Over a year in the pandemic – 2021 surely is a memorable year for almost everyone, if not all. Vaccines were rolled out to millions of people and some still refuse to get jabbed. A lot of lives have been lost in this battle. A lot of lessons have been learned as well. It’s been an insane ride.
Personally, I’m grateful that I did not lose any of my loved ones but I have purged connections for my own peace of mind. I also met new friends unexpectedly – still feels surreal at this moment.
Diving into Spirituality
This year, I learned how to read the Tarot, created a bond with crystals and currently diving deeply into Astrology. I even offered readings for my friends which is so cool. Along with this came the strengthening of my trust in the Divine and the Cosmos. My spirituality grew stronger; my beliefs made much sense. Through this, I was also able to do shadow work (and still in the process of it). There are certain things that are too big to be translated into words.
And because of the confidence that my soul family and spirit guides gave me, I was able to establish a poetry account, too, which was long overdue. It should’ve been done years ago but there’s a lot of things happening at once that time so I resorted into writing here in my public private journal. I believe that’s how Divine timing works. Everything that’s occurring right now is meant to happen.
I’ve been contemplating on how everything’s planned for us and that we are responsible for our destiny at the same time. That no matter what our choices are, we’ll always end up where we’re supposed to be. I have known the answer long ago but still pondering over it every now and then. But I think it is not about who writes and who narrates. I believe it is about working together with the Higher Being, your Higher Self.
This year also showed me layers of myself that I used to ignore. There was a comeback of my old, feminine self but better, wiser, stronger. I also learned how to draw boundaries and the importance of doing this. While doing so, I have seen how people have used me over the years and the moment I created my boundaries, I suddenly became the villain. If this happens to you, it means that you’re doing it right. Set your boundaries.
Another year is about to end but my mind is still stuck on the first month
Time hasn’t mattered to me ever since although I may say that this year was a great evidence that I have always been right to think that way all along. Everything passed by quickly and slowly at the same time. Whenever I think about it, it’s crazy how I’ve only been home for a year and three months but I feel like it’s been more than that. Is it because I’ve done so many things or because I’ve literally done nothing?
Oh how I become more careful in saying negative words like nothing. Writing that down already ignited a protest inside my head. Definitely, time flew by in a blink of an eye simply because I’ve done many things – mostly inner work. Hence, I want to give myself a pat in the back and an imaginary congratulatory cake for learning how to give credit to non-tangible achievements such as this – learning and unlearning.
Learning and Unlearning
Among the many things I have learned during my shadow work, knowing how to unlearn gave an impression. Admittedly, I’m kind of obsessed with learning things – not simply studying but learning, diving deeper into things. I feel like there’s a difference between the two. I used to deny to myself that I’m obsessed with knowing everything but I’ve come to accept and moderate that part of me (this year, too). So, the unlearning became excruciating at first but as time went by, we became friends. This is one thing I am proud of – the progress and balance when it comes to knowing. I walked into this unknown and undeniably terrifying path of letting go of old beliefs and generational conditioning, and that led me to a version of me that I’ve looked forward to meet for years.
Rest and Never Look Back
I call this stage of my life as the “recon” phase where I dedicate everything to my betterment. Everything I did during this year was for me. Thinking about it makes me feel so accomplished. That everything includes resting and learning what it truly means.
I used to work for a job I never loved. It felt like I’m betraying myself every single day. It was like an unrequited love – toxic and fatal. That line of work conditioned me to think that rest only equates to sleep. And that’s all of it! Then, I discovered the world of hiking and got hooked. During my days off where I spend most of my time in the mountains, I felt as if being properly rested. Back then, I find this bizarre because hiking is physically exhausting and challenging but it had an opposite effect on me. It was fulfilling and meaningful. I felt well-rested without knowing why. It simply felt good.
This year showed me what rest truly means and how I will never be the same after realizing such. Rest can look differently on each of us but I believe the essence of it is dedicating your time to yourself alone. Whatever it is that makes your body, mind and soul feel heard and loved, I believe that is rest itself.
However, upon being shown this important lesson, I couldn’t help but also feel guilty about it. You see, I grew up in a household where resting is as good as being useless. This is another childhood conditioning that I had to unlearn. This year had me repeat myself that resting is as good as being productive. Resting is not a sin. Even warriors need to rest. Even the best of the best need their rest. And do you know that majority of human errors occur because of lack of rest? We are humans. We are designed to rest.
Since then, never will I disrespect myself for not allotting an ample time for her.
Being Alone Is Not Being Lonely
Adulting had taken its toll on me this year. Remember that I mentioned purging connections? I meant not only the bad ones but also the good ones that were not taken good care of.
Everything can be synonymous to nature. And just like some plants, connections wither when not given attention to. Yes, of course, the forest thrives when left alone by human hands but you get what I mean. In a snap, I cut friendships and connections in my head. No, I didn’t tell the people involved because we haven’t talked for a long time. I used to thrive in low-maintenance friendships and I still do, but the pandemic made everyone lonely, including me, despite being with my family. Friendship connection is way different. Although I’ve asked this a lot of times, this thought ruled me over and for a reason. Where are they when I needed them? Not to brag or count or anything but I have always been for them when they needed me. I never hesitated to lend a helping hand simply because I love them. This cycle drained me so I decided to end it. I only kept the ones who, I know, are good for my body, mind and soul.
In line with this, I also unfriended people on social media especially the ones I never even met or bonded with. I removed followers that were mostly shops and anonymous accounts! I blocked accounts that gave off nothing but negativity. I felt so done with these things and the drama that I cleaned my accounts without thinking twice. And I never did it once but a lot of times with one social media account. Honestly, it used to be fun being on social media but throughout the years, it’s become toxic and unsafe.
And like what I said to someone, I’m a fan of decluttering, not only of material things but also toxic and dreading connections. It is more like taking the weeds out for the plant to grow healthier. We are the plant. We must grow healthier. We must be free from weeds that do not benefit us in any way.
Albeit subtly ending dormant friendships and feeling alone (and left out), I have come to realize that I’ve lost touch with my hermit self, too. I used to enjoy being alone. I used to travel to place where there is no crowd. I love walking with my solitude. But then again, the pandemic itself made all of us feel alone effortlessly. Despite embracing my introvert side and rejoicing the mandatory social distancing, I somehow craved for physical catch-ups, bonding over food and drinks, and most of all, my ultimate favorite – social gatherings at campsites as soon as the sun sets. Oh how I missed being with my humans outside of the house. Perhaps, this is what drove me to thinking that my old friends abandoned me? I’d like to contradict that, though. They’re living their own lives now. Maybe that’s what they think about me, too? Well, I don’t care anymore because I now fully grasp the idea that being alone is not being lonely. I have forged a strong relationship with myself. And I have met new people that I never knew I’d be able to do in a long time. I call them different names because they are more than friends to me. They’re my soul sisters, my angels, my tribe. I hold them dearly close to my heart.
Simply put that decluttering is making new space for new things, new people, that align with your highest good, that match your growth.
It was a long journey but I finally made peace with decluttering and letting go.
Looking back, the theme of my 2021 is most definitely about learning. I am grateful that I chose to continue experiencing life despite the broken pieces inside me because I got to meet and greet this version of me that I once just dreamed of. If I had given up long ago, I will never be able to experience the beauty of learning and growing out of misery, of wielding your despair into power, of blooming for the hundredth time and feel different in each moment. Despite all the little dark voices in my head bringing me down, here I am, writing this year-end essay, and telling whoever reads this that I am glad I am alive. I am grateful in spite of rough roads and shit storms that pass by every now and then.
In the end, life is life. And we are living it. We must live it.
Malayang Araw 