It has been on hold for too long but I think the perfect moment has come. I can finally say this with all sincerity.
Thank you for breaking my heart.
While browsing through my old entries, I came across one of my most personal write-ups. It was written almost two years ago and the incident that inspired it happened a year beforehand. So, it’s been almost three years. It took me almost three years to gain the sincerity and confidence to tell the world, to joyfully proclaim, that I am grateful that my heart had been broken intensely.
As I re-read that entry, a bit of side-eyed tear came out – mainly because of pity and gloom. Though I am in a better state right now, the words written there didn’t fail to clearly show the vulnerability and fragility of my past self; it didn’t fail to make me feel the coldness of a year-round winter. It sort of transported me back to that chapter of my life.
My world may have revolved a little bit late but I know it has moved. After a year, it has moved. The scent of Spring is slowly making its way to me. I could feel the flowers starting to bloom. I may see the sun again. Together with the melting of the ice comes the answers to my WHY. I had always thought it would take me a lifetime but all it took me was a year of Winter season. I may have hibernated amidst the blizzards that came across and the subzero temperature. I may have been numb because of all of these. I may have been used to the cold season that the coming of Spring quite scares me. It’s like dipping my foot in the melted frozen lake. It’s thrilling yet I look forward to it as if waiting for my turn to ride the roller coaster.
– Shameless: A Year of Moving On
To think that I’m writing this reflection during the Spring season is fascinating already. And I believe, though I have read this entry several times in the past, that the Universe made sure I’d see it and get genuinely inspired by it at this very moment. You win, Universe. Right now, nobody but I know well how much I’ve moved past by 3/4 of what’s written there. What got me is that paragraph before the end note. And even the cliffhanger question – Am I ready? I think this question now replaces the past question WHY? I may have actually stumbled upon the answer to the biggest why of my life but I guess I still have a lot of work to do regarding the enhancement of its foundation. Nonetheless, I feel glorious for having myself unstuck from that quicksand of WHYs; letting myself be able to walk again, even with limping limbs, and unfold the next question that lies ahead:
Am I ready?
But maybe, it’s still too soon to find out the answer. Besides, I do believe that we can never be prepared for anything. We can equip ourselves with all the wisdom and strength; convince ourselves that we are well-prepared; but in reality, it’s either we’re not prepared or simply unlucky. Our life consists of infinite scenarios as to we cannot be absolutely ready for all. Same as to endless questions as to we don’t have answers to each and all. We’re humans. We have limitations. Never forget.
I guess, my new conquest is not focused on searching the answer to that question but rather walking into the unknown path that has been set for me lifetimes ago. The quest is a test of trust. And as the main character of this story, I must abide to the plot. I have freedom. I love freedom. But that freedom also directs me to what’s meant for me.
Right now, I am patting myself in the back as I’m writing this. Go figure. I am back at square one, feeling hopeful, stronger and wiser. I knew this day would come but I didn’t know it’d actually fall at the 7th of April – Spring time in the Northern Hemisphere. Well hey, I am actually in the long-awaited Spring of my life – realistically, I suppose. But I am mostly looking forward to the loveliest Spring of my life – in metaphoric sense. I feel like I teleported to the future, though. Time flies really quickly when undergoing a major life transformation, I must say.
It’s been a wild ride – those two years that have passed. Everything has been blurry and clear at the same time. Is this how the mind rewires, though? Nevertheless, the most important lessons that I must partake from the 2018 incident (as I now call it) have not been and will never be forgotten. Years ago, I despised it with my whole being while holding on to the promise of today – that someday, I would embrace it, cherish it and be grateful for it with all my heart, mind and soul.
I am not who I am right now without that tragedy, without that year-long winter. I won’t be able to rebuild my own temple and recognize the real blueprint that the Universe has for me if I haven’t gone through it. I won’t be able to come up with this realization with a smile on my face and a bit of tears in my eyes if I haven’t gone through it. I won’t be able to dive deeper into my void and learn how to truly listen if I haven’t gone through it.
And the life that I’m fated to have won’t reveal itself if I haven’t gone through it.
Slowly, I’m picking up where I left off –
The life I truly have desired before the coming of the great storm.
Malayang Araw 