2021 is almost over.

Over a year in the pandemic – 2021 surely is a memorable year for almost everyone, if not all. Vaccines were rolled out to millions of people and some still refuse to get jabbed. A lot of lives have been lost in this battle. A lot of lessons have been learned as well. It’s been an insane ride.

Personally, I’m grateful that I did not lose any of my loved ones but I have purged connections for my own peace of mind. I also met new friends unexpectedly – still feels surreal at this moment.

Diving into Spirituality

This year, I learned how to read the Tarot, created a bond with crystals and currently diving deeply into Astrology. I even offered readings for my friends which is so cool. Along with this came the strengthening of my trust in the Divine and the Cosmos. My spirituality grew stronger; my beliefs made much sense. Through this, I was also able to do shadow work (and still in the process of it). There are certain things that are too big to be translated into words.

And because of the confidence that my soul family and spirit guides gave me, I was able to establish a poetry account, too, which was long overdue. It should’ve been done years ago but there’s a lot of things happening at once that time so I resorted into writing here in my public private journal. I believe that’s how Divine timing works. Everything that’s occurring right now is meant to happen.

I’ve been contemplating on how everything’s planned for us and that we are responsible for our destiny at the same time. That no matter what our choices are, we’ll always end up where we’re supposed to be. I have known the answer long ago but still pondering over it every now and then. But I think it is not about who writes and who narrates. I believe it is about working together with the Higher Being, your Higher Self.

This year also showed me layers of myself that I used to ignore. There was a comeback of my old, feminine self but better, wiser, stronger. I also learned how to draw boundaries and the importance of doing this. While doing so, I have seen how people have used me over the years and the moment I created my boundaries, I suddenly became the villain. If this happens to you, it means that you’re doing it right. Set your boundaries.

Another year is about to end but my mind is still stuck on the first month

Time hasn’t mattered to me ever since although I may say that this year was a great evidence that I have always been right to think that way all along. Everything passed by quickly and slowly at the same time. Whenever I think about it, it’s crazy how I’ve only been home for a year and three months but I feel like it’s been more than that. Is it because I’ve done so many things or because I’ve literally done nothing?

Oh how I become more careful in saying negative words like nothing. Writing that down already ignited a protest inside my head. Definitely, time flew by in a blink of an eye simply because I’ve done many things – mostly inner work. Hence, I want to give myself a pat in the back and an imaginary congratulatory cake for learning how to give credit to non-tangible achievements such as this – learning and unlearning.

Learning and Unlearning

Among the many things I have learned during my shadow work, knowing how to unlearn gave an impression. Admittedly, I’m kind of obsessed with learning things – not simply studying but learning, diving deeper into things. I feel like there’s a difference between the two. I used to deny to myself that I’m obsessed with knowing everything but I’ve come to accept and moderate that part of me (this year, too). So, the unlearning became excruciating at first but as time went by, we became friends. This is one thing I am proud of – the progress and balance when it comes to knowing. I walked into this unknown and undeniably terrifying path of letting go of old beliefs and generational conditioning, and that led me to a version of me that I’ve looked forward to meet for years.

Rest and Never Look Back

I call this stage of my life as the “recon” phase where I dedicate everything to my betterment. Everything I did during this year was for me. Thinking about it makes me feel so accomplished. That everything includes resting and learning what it truly means.

I used to work for a job I never loved. It felt like I’m betraying myself every single day. It was like an unrequited love – toxic and fatal. That line of work conditioned me to think that rest only equates to sleep. And that’s all of it! Then, I discovered the world of hiking and got hooked. During my days off where I spend most of my time in the mountains, I felt as if being properly rested. Back then, I find this bizarre because hiking is physically exhausting and challenging but it had an opposite effect on me. It was fulfilling and meaningful. I felt well-rested without knowing why. It simply felt good.

This year showed me what rest truly means and how I will never be the same after realizing such. Rest can look differently on each of us but I believe the essence of it is dedicating your time to yourself alone. Whatever it is that makes your body, mind and soul feel heard and loved, I believe that is rest itself.

However, upon being shown this important lesson, I couldn’t help but also feel guilty about it. You see, I grew up in a household where resting is as good as being useless. This is another childhood conditioning that I had to unlearn. This year had me repeat myself that resting is as good as being productive. Resting is not a sin. Even warriors need to rest. Even the best of the best need their rest. And do you know that majority of human errors occur because of lack of rest? We are humans. We are designed to rest.

Since then, never will I disrespect myself for not allotting an ample time for her.

Being Alone Is Not Being Lonely

Adulting had taken its toll on me this year. Remember that I mentioned purging connections? I meant not only the bad ones but also the good ones that were not taken good care of.

Everything can be synonymous to nature. And just like some plants, connections wither when not given attention to. Yes, of course, the forest thrives when left alone by human hands but you get what I mean. In a snap, I cut friendships and connections in my head. No, I didn’t tell the people involved because we haven’t talked for a long time. I used to thrive in low-maintenance friendships and I still do, but the pandemic made everyone lonely, including me, despite being with my family. Friendship connection is way different. Although I’ve asked this a lot of times, this thought ruled me over and for a reason. Where are they when I needed them? Not to brag or count or anything but I have always been for them when they needed me. I never hesitated to lend a helping hand simply because I love them. This cycle drained me so I decided to end it. I only kept the ones who, I know, are good for my body, mind and soul.

In line with this, I also unfriended people on social media especially the ones I never even met or bonded with. I removed followers that were mostly shops and anonymous accounts! I blocked accounts that gave off nothing but negativity. I felt so done with these things and the drama that I cleaned my accounts without thinking twice. And I never did it once but a lot of times with one social media account. Honestly, it used to be fun being on social media but throughout the years, it’s become toxic and unsafe.

And like what I said to someone, I’m a fan of decluttering, not only of material things but also toxic and dreading connections. It is more like taking the weeds out for the plant to grow healthier. We are the plant. We must grow healthier. We must be free from weeds that do not benefit us in any way.

Albeit subtly ending dormant friendships and feeling alone (and left out), I have come to realize that I’ve lost touch with my hermit self, too. I used to enjoy being alone. I used to travel to place where there is no crowd. I love walking with my solitude. But then again, the pandemic itself made all of us feel alone effortlessly. Despite embracing my introvert side and rejoicing the mandatory social distancing, I somehow craved for physical catch-ups, bonding over food and drinks, and most of all, my ultimate favorite – social gatherings at campsites as soon as the sun sets. Oh how I missed being with my humans outside of the house. Perhaps, this is what drove me to thinking that my old friends abandoned me? I’d like to contradict that, though. They’re living their own lives now. Maybe that’s what they think about me, too? Well, I don’t care anymore because I now fully grasp the idea that being alone is not being lonely. I have forged a strong relationship with myself. And I have met new people that I never knew I’d be able to do in a long time. I call them different names because they are more than friends to me. They’re my soul sisters, my angels, my tribe. I hold them dearly close to my heart.

Simply put that decluttering is making new space for new things, new people, that align with your highest good, that match your growth.

It was a long journey but I finally made peace with decluttering and letting go.

Looking back, the theme of my 2021 is most definitely about learning. I am grateful that I chose to continue experiencing life despite the broken pieces inside me because I got to meet and greet this version of me that I once just dreamed of. If I had given up long ago, I will never be able to experience the beauty of learning and growing out of misery, of wielding your despair into power, of blooming for the hundredth time and feel different in each moment. Despite all the little dark voices in my head bringing me down, here I am, writing this year-end essay, and telling whoever reads this that I am glad I am alive. I am grateful in spite of rough roads and shit storms that pass by every now and then.

In the end, life is life. And we are living it. We must live it.

Wine Thoughts

I’ve been looking for what’s missing in my life for quite a long time now. I’ve done stuff I have never imagined I’d do just for the sake of healing. Coming this far, I still think, “What else should I heal from?” As I’m writing this, I realize, “What have I been healing from anyway?” There are certain traumas I can point out. There are also some that I can’t even open as they were sealed shut ages ago. There are some that I doubt should be opened again. They always say that healing is messy, weird, chaotic as hell. But just like the eye of the storm, there is a moment of solace in between the chaos. I guess, tonight is that brief silence.

In this rarely given occasion, I’ve also come to sum up what’s really been missing all along. The actual answer to important questions that have been running in my head since the beginning of all this mayhem. Honestly, it’s simple but also complicated… because it’s not something that can be attained through hard-work and perseverance. It is something that truly tests trust and patience, which unsurprisingly is not my forte. And now I get it. This is why I still feel I’m lacking despite the shadow work and healing.

The answer is simply experiencing genuine love and connection in a single person.

You see, I’m shockingly an introvert. Friendly but introverted. I prefer having small group of friends. I hate the senseless crowd except if it’s a music festival, gig, concert, you know what I mean. I love making connections. And having a partner gives me that satisfying comfort because there’s friendship and romance wrapped in one person. It gives me strength and assurance knowing that someone loves me for who I am and that I, too, love someone for who they are.

Presently, I am a work in progress in which patience and trust are a part of. Being patient to wait for the right one at the right time. Able to trust that this person, this moment, will eventually come.

And so, that’s my takeaway from today’s wine night.

Coming to terms with myself

Casually having breakfast, browsing through my instagram feed – salivating over the words my heart badly needed to eat months back, wondering where would I be right now if I happen to absorb all of these good stuff at the right moment. Well, I’m actually not here to talk about regrets, though. Having those thoughts led me to another that of which I will be talking about now.

I have been pondering over my shadow work for months already (for years unknowingly). I’ve been asking what it is that I need to open up and work on. Whenever I do this (with the help of tarot cards as well), I end up standing in the middle of different mirrors, seeing myself in many different versions. I always end up confused. Again, last night, I asked the same question and of course, with the aid of the tarot cards. It wasn’t clear but I knew it’s the same message as before. And this morning, after my usual walk and lonely breakfast, I had this moment of Eureka.

This time, I am really coming to terms with myself.

I know I have to work on a lot of things in my life but I decided recently to focus on my traumas. But opening up about a trauma is never a walk in the park. Not even a “chillin’-on-the-beach” kind of thing. It is being buried alive while screaming for help but you ran out of voice and slowly running out of breath as well. That’s how opening up about trauma is. I’ve never been vocal about my suffering ever since – well, in a direct perspective I should say. I always put these emotions into bits of words and scatter them through poems, prose, essays and journals like this. But now, I understand. That even in my recent write-ups, I still end up being conservative about what I share. The wall I have built is so massive and so high that not even I could penetrate through it. I think I have created a monster out of it. Why did I build it? I got hurt, disappointed, embarrassed and scared. And because of these, I think I have accidentally locked up a part of me that I actually need in order to thrive on my poetry endeavor and other important things that I seem to overlook most of the time.

So now, I decide to work with myself and tear down that wall – even just a bit of it. I forgot how my vulnerable self sound like, feel like and even look like. Is she still wailing in pain? Or is she in a calm state now? Had she moved on from the trauma that I’m supposed to work on? Maybe, this part of me holds the answer to some of my questions.

And I guess, she is safe to be let out now. That I don’t need this wall anymore because I am now the wall myself.

Grateful: The Epilogue and Prologue (A Sequel)

It has been on hold for too long but I think the perfect moment has come. I can finally say this with all sincerity.

Thank you for breaking my heart.

While browsing through my old entries, I came across one of my most personal write-ups. It was written almost two years ago and the incident that inspired it happened a year beforehand. So, it’s been almost three years. It took me almost three years to gain the sincerity and confidence to tell the world, to joyfully proclaim, that I am grateful that my heart had been broken intensely.

As I re-read that entry, a bit of side-eyed tear came out – mainly because of pity and gloom. Though I am in a better state right now, the words written there didn’t fail to clearly show the vulnerability and fragility of my past self; it didn’t fail to make me feel the coldness of a year-round winter. It sort of transported me back to that chapter of my life.

My world may have revolved a little bit late but I know it has moved. After a year, it has moved. The scent of Spring is slowly making its way to me. I could feel the flowers starting to bloom. I may see the sun again. Together with the melting of the ice comes the answers to my WHY. I had always thought it would take me a lifetime but all it took me was a year of Winter season. I may have hibernated amidst the blizzards that came across and the subzero temperature. I may have been numb because of all of these.  I may have been used to the cold season that the coming of Spring quite scares me. It’s like dipping my foot in the melted frozen lake. It’s thrilling yet I look forward to it as if waiting for my turn to ride the roller coaster.

– Shameless: A Year of Moving On

To think that I’m writing this reflection during the Spring season is fascinating already. And I believe, though I have read this entry several times in the past, that the Universe made sure I’d see it and get genuinely inspired by it at this very moment. You win, Universe. Right now, nobody but I know well how much I’ve moved past by 3/4 of what’s written there. What got me is that paragraph before the end note. And even the cliffhanger question – Am I ready? I think this question now replaces the past question WHY? I may have actually stumbled upon the answer to the biggest why of my life but I guess I still have a lot of work to do regarding the enhancement of its foundation. Nonetheless, I feel glorious for having myself unstuck from that quicksand of WHYs; letting myself be able to walk again, even with limping limbs, and unfold the next question that lies ahead:

Am I ready?

But maybe, it’s still too soon to find out the answer. Besides, I do believe that we can never be prepared for anything. We can equip ourselves with all the wisdom and strength; convince ourselves that we are well-prepared; but in reality, it’s either we’re not prepared or simply unlucky. Our life consists of infinite scenarios as to we cannot be absolutely ready for all. Same as to endless questions as to we don’t have answers to each and all. We’re humans. We have limitations. Never forget.

I guess, my new conquest is not focused on searching the answer to that question but rather walking into the unknown path that has been set for me lifetimes ago. The quest is a test of trust. And as the main character of this story, I must abide to the plot. I have freedom. I love freedom. But that freedom also directs me to what’s meant for me.

Right now, I am patting myself in the back as I’m writing this. Go figure. I am back at square one, feeling hopeful, stronger and wiser. I knew this day would come but I didn’t know it’d actually fall at the 7th of April – Spring time in the Northern Hemisphere. Well hey, I am actually in the long-awaited Spring of my life – realistically, I suppose. But I am mostly looking forward to the loveliest Spring of my life – in metaphoric sense. I feel like I teleported to the future, though. Time flies really quickly when undergoing a major life transformation, I must say.

It’s been a wild ride – those two years that have passed. Everything has been blurry and clear at the same time. Is this how the mind rewires, though? Nevertheless, the most important lessons that I must partake from the 2018 incident (as I now call it) have not been and will never be forgotten. Years ago, I despised it with my whole being while holding on to the promise of today – that someday, I would embrace it, cherish it and be grateful for it with all my heart, mind and soul.

I am not who I am right now without that tragedy, without that year-long winter. I won’t be able to rebuild my own temple and recognize the real blueprint that the Universe has for me if I haven’t gone through it. I won’t be able to come up with this realization with a smile on my face and a bit of tears in my eyes if I haven’t gone through it. I won’t be able to dive deeper into my void and learn how to truly listen if I haven’t gone through it.

And the life that I’m fated to have won’t reveal itself if I haven’t gone through it.

Slowly, I’m picking up where I left off –

The life I truly have desired before the coming of the great storm.

Introspection: I need human mirrors

It’s been a while.

I admit, I haven’t been here for ages. The last entry I had was from last year. And I have 16 drafts waiting since forever.

For the past years, I have been undergoing a drastic transformation unknowingly. I just became aware of it last 2019. I don’t know if others have noticed that in my writings. The thing is, I am quite dependent when it comes to rationalizing the changes in me. I need human mirrors. Sometimes, I’d see what has changed. Most of the time, I wouldn’t. I am such a dreamy person. My mind always runs in different directions. Like right now, I don’t intend to talk about myself but why did I even start doing so?

My thoughts are disorganized. One thing that I have learned the hard way. That’s one of the reasons why I can never be an efficient teacher.

And people, even my friends, see me as mysterious. The truth is, I see myself otherwise. What a paradox. That’s why conflicts arise at unexpected places. I have no idea most of the time.

And I’d tell myself that maybe people around me think that I’m making this up. I’m always afraid of being judged as someone who makes things up. I create stories. I write poems. But I don’t invent my personal experiences. That’s one thing I’d like the world to know. And now, I finally said it.

For the past weeks, the universe has driven me to this path of telling my truth to the world. As if the world cares, right? Nevertheless, that’s where it wants me to be. Here I am.

What else?

I’m under the influence of caffeine right now so the talking writing seems out of control. I write whatever I want. That’s one way of telling my own truth.

Oh yeah, just a while back, I confidently told my most-trusted friends about a plan that I cannot confidently tell the world. Since this is kind of my public diary, I don’t think I’ll be able to say it unless it’s done. That’s how I actually live my life. Secretive, some sort. The dots have been connected. That’s why they see me as mysterious. I love it, though.

Update?

I finished Origin by Dan Brown. I had to re-read the final page because at first, it seemed nonsense to me. Unless you carefully absorb the words written on the final page, I don’t think it makes sense. Well, this is my opinion, okay? O-P-I-N-I-O-N.

I don’t want to give out spoilers. I’ll be vague about this. It’s an excellent book for people with an open-mind… as what all of Dan Brown’s books are. This is why I love his works. They gently force my brain to get those rusty cogs into work. And I feel new every single time I finish his book.

I think this is enough of an update for now. Maybe, I’d publish a draft anytime soon.

D-2: The Last Log For The Last 2 Years

In two days, I will be heading home after two years. In two days, I’m going to walk away from the last page of this chapter and start anew. And everything is sinking in just now.

I have always wanted to write about my struggles here for the last two years but I just can’t seem to find the right words, maybe because it’s not yet the right time. Maybe, the right time is now.

As I write this, I’m counting the days before leaving this small space in a bedroom for three in a 3-bedroom flat on the 4th floor of this building. Here I sit on this bed that had been my safe space for the last 730 days or so, as I type my thoughts which are actually disorganized (as always). What can I say? Why am I bluffing?

26th of June 2018 when I arrived here in this city I knew nothing about. I went here alone, in hopes of starting a new life with someone. Yes, that’s a fact I couldn’t erase. It’s part of this journey so, I stopped denying it. All those hopes were crushed apparently and caused me to be placed in a position I never thought I’d be in. For some, even to me, this was just a trivial challenge. But when you’re emotionally drained, nothing is ever easy. Not even the way you breathe. The conflict inside your head is never-ending as long as you are not healed from the cause of it.

I counted the days, weeks, months by distracting myself. I played mobile games and almost joined a paid tournament with my gaming buddies. I met new but temporary people. They’re all just in-game friends I suppose. Then, I booked several flights for this year. Yes, I had my 2020 planned ever since. Making travel itineraries is one of my de-stressers. And guess what? All of those flights have been cancelled. Well, actually, I’m still holding on to one flight which I rebooked for next year. So, please, wear your mask and let this virus vanish for good even before the vaccine is completed. I spent half of my 2018 suffering in secret. I was bleeding silently. Breathing heavily under sweet smiles and fake laughters. Am I romanticizing pain again? No. I’m describing it perfectly based on experience. Even though, I am not dismissing the fact that my friends helped me survive that year.

Come 2019 – I told myself that I needed to start healing for my sake. I got exhausted from wallowing in pain. It is true that when you reach rock bottom, there’s no other option but to go up. There’s nothing more to see down below so you swim upwards. That’s what my mind told me. The turning point of my existence happened in the second half of that year – I became a BTS ARMY. I know I have said this a lot of times (through my social media accounts) but becoming part of this fandom family called ARMY has always been the best thing that ever happened to me. As what it’s always been said, BTS comes to everyone’s lives at the right time. It is a proven testimony. The whole night won’t suffice for me to write the story about how BTS changed my life. The point is, THEY HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE FOR GOOD. As I became a part of the family, I met beautiful people who later became my friends. Some, I just found out, are my soulmates or soul sisters.

2020 entered. First thing, I did not celebrate my birthday. I just did not feel like celebrating the fact that another year has been added to my age without even actually seeing my own growth. What’s worse is that the pandemic happened in the late February. That’s when I almost lost it. What kept me from actually sinking down to the dark depths again are BTS, my true friends from the ARMY family, as well as my blood family. My gratitude for them cannot be expressed in words. I won’t be the me today if it weren’t for them.

D-2 today – I’m writing down this initial draft of my introspection. My thoughts are actually jumbled at the moment. I wrote what I could pull off and obviously, it’s mainly about how BTS and ARMY saved me from misery.

2018, 2019 and 2020 – three different years, three different but coherent paths towards my growth. It is also true that you may not see the growth in you but it will eventually manifest. I may not have seen mine earlier but I can say that I’m feeling it right now. We cannot see what is meant to be felt.

So, tomorrow will be my last full day here in Jeddah. I’ll be spending it by checking everything so as to not forget anything.

Why write these thoughts during D-2? I don’t really know. Inspiration struck me at this hour and I just took advantage of it. Coincidentally, D-2 is Agust D’s latest mixtape.

The next post will be written and/or finalized in the Philippines.

This first time feels surreal.

Candlelit Breakfast

And I stare at the candle as it burns, as it slowly loses its body into the flame, inch by inch – slowly and surely.

My eyes dry out as lethargy sets in. I yawn, trying not to be loud as I am afraid to wake the demons that would probably haunt me in my dreams. I can’t sleep though my body asks for it. My mind just can’t stop running.

I decide to get out of bed and light a candle. It has a scent that could help me sleep – at least that’s how it was advertised. I cannot remember when I bought it or if it was given to me for some reason. Is that even important right now? I have a lot of questions in my head at three in the morning and one of these is how did this candle got into my house?

I don’t know what’s important anymore actually. Is it being alive? Is it the ability to breathe? Is it the chance of waking up to another day? Or is it this, the moment I am in right now? If the answer is the latter then, the definition of “important” in my head has always been a lie.

The house is quiet like a moment of dead air on the radio, like a sleeping town in the countryside, like an abandoned ruins in the middle of nowhere. I aim for my mind to be this peaceful but I know it never will be. Not even in my dreams. Wait, is this the important thing I am looking for – peace of mind?

Words are not even sufficient to express this confusion I have in my head. I may have enough reasons to look forward to better days but something tells me it is such an overrated thought. Or maybe my mind is having this war again, a never-ending battle of what is right and what really matters – if the right things do really matter or those that matter don’t necessarily need to be right.

Everyday, God knows, I try. There are times when I don’t even have to try because I seem to get used to it. I get used to hope. I feed myself with flavorful optimism. I expose myself to lies that I know will get me through the day, the week, the months and even years. But, God also knows that the Universe has a way to pop this bubble I made inside my tiny world. The Universe sure knows how to pull me into the black hole of desperation – zealous to get answered though I know it will never happen in a lifetime.

Now, my eyes get a bit damp. Ah yes, my tears are accumulating on the side. Just a little bit more and they may fall down. Let’s not rush the ducts. I still need more emotions to push it further.

Where was I?

The Universe – blaming the Universe.

No, actually, it’s some sort of recognition. Not everyone realizes how the Universe fucks them up until it’s over. I have always noticed the Universe. I have always been a fan of its metaphysical presence. I don’t hate it. I never did. I just doubt it sometimes. I ask questions that are seldom answered. Sometimes, I cry over the fact that it leaves me empty after a conversation.

The candle has this soothing effect. The visual is hyponitizing. Its warmth is relaxing. The scent of it is just a bonus to be honest. I feel like a moth attracted to its flame. It makes me wonder, where will the moths be attracted to if flames don’t exist? By that, I think it is also valid to ask what and where would I be if this world doesn’t exist?

What am I even doing with my life? Life seems to pass by easily as if it’s in a hurry. I am not in a hurry. I always take my time. Life is. Life is in a hurry. And people have the audacity to blame it on me. What if it’s not life that’s on a rush but the world? Shouldn’t life and the world be in unison?

My mind wanders. I wish I could write every single thing that I am thinking of right now but I think that’s one of my limitations. My mind could work around the clock but my ability to put them into words is not adequate. I am lacking. I am totally flawed. That may be the missing piece to this mystery that I have been solving ever since.

The flame has just gotten stronger. This is going to be a long night for me and this candle. And this is going to be one of the longest, silent nights, I suppose, not until I get my sleep back and pass out in front of this serene candle.

It makes me think about how I still can’t sleep despite the fact that I have exhausted myself throughout the day. My body asks for it but my mind seems to be greedy.

But at the end of the day, despite the festive aura or the gloominess, I never fail to question everything. Have I been good to everyone? Have I been enough? Why am I even here? Why was I chosen to live and not those who died early? Am I worthy? Why do I need to ask these question over again? Why have I wasted my time designing the life I want and not actually acted upon the desire of turning the blueprint into reality? How come I am stuck right now despite the plans I had back then?

There we go – tears start to fall now. The emotions I feel right now are surely enough to push them down. I find myself sobbing. Suddenly. Out of the blue. Yes, I agree, this is one of those so-called nights – the dusk nearing dawn.

The yellow-orange figure suddenly becomes blurry.