Faith is Our Escape

I believe there’s always an escape from everything.

If you haven’t experienced being engulfed by the abyss of loneliness and fear, then darling, don’t you even fantasize about it. It’s dark and cold in there. It’s a massive blackhole no one can ever get out.

There comes days, weeks or even months in my life where I can’t put my life together. During these days, I may be walking, talking, smiling and functioning well but deep inside of me, I’m dying. It may be cliché but that came to be true to me and, I think, to some people around the world.

Dying inside is never easy. It never will be. When you feel it, you’re like a living mannequin – everything you do is superficial. People may see you doing the chores perfectly, giving nice conversation to everyone around you, laughing at the simplest jokes, functioning like a normal human being. At least, that’s how people see you. This only means you’re doing great at concealing all the scars you’re having as you fight alone against the torment of your anxious mind, as you zealously swim against the current of torture and pain your mind creates, as you shiver in fear as the storm hits you right on the spot and you’re helpless.

Yes, that’s how it feels.

You fight the battle no one knows about and it goes on as the minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days and days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months, and God forsake it, hopefully, those months won’t turn into years.

I wonder how others survived the years of this war with themselves. Does anyone survive it at all?

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It’s been so dark out there in the abyss and unbelievably cold. It seemed like light would never reach me and heat would not come unto me. I was shivering with tears in my eyes and cold sweats come rolling down my skin. I was confused, dizzy and, maybe, hallucinating. At the back of my mind, my thoughts danced with a hopeful blaze coming from nowhere. 

My eyes lit up as the flame my thoughts had danced with was glowing brighter and growing stronger. My soul felt the warmth of an unexplained embrace from a being no one sees but only feels. My knees started to gain strength as I stood up and danced along with the back of my mind and the fire that kept on burning. I stood up and walked around as the cold sweat humidified. I started to hum familiar songs that lifted my soul. The confusion faded and half of my mind was set into following an unknown path which felt so warm and kind – an unknown path filled with faith. Faith – a word that vanished from me for a while and had been brought back by the fire.

As I followed the path, I began to contemplate on the possibilities. I began to imagine rainbows, sweet smiles and sunrises. I ran into the path where darkness ceased and the warmth clasped me as if never letting me go. The path, I never thought would come, showed itself in front of me. It started with the back of my mind.

I, then, escaped from the chasm of loneliness after weeks of despair. I never thought I could make it but I did. I survived the agony.

And from then on, I believed that there’s always an escape from everything. We may not know it rationally but we tend to hold on to what we don’t see but feel – and it’s called faith.

Faith is our escape from everything.

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Daily Dilemma

I used to write a lot. I simply turn my laptop on and words come flowing harmoniously as I type every letter to form each words to complete an article, an essay or a poem. But, that was long ago…

I used to take photographs all the time. I simply point my lenses and shoot. Post-process every picture afterwards and share them online. But, that was also long ago…

Though I can’t write much more often now nor take countless photos in a day, I still have not ended my hopes in getting to better days where I can do these things I’m passionate about without any materialistic dilemma.

I am a writer without a laptop but I have pen and paper and that “notes” application in my phone where I can type the words my brain urges to throw into thin air at the most random moments of the day.

I am not really a photographer without the perfect camera but I do have a camera phone that I bring along to take the images I can keep. I also have this thing called “memory” where I store all the beautiful picturesque scenes I have encountered that no one could ever see but could only hear about from me.

Although I don’t have the best of everything right now, I am still grateful for having the tools I need to get by.

I used to have the best things but I got too comfortable and forgot to take care of them. Now, I have the little things that help me continue my passion and this time, I’m not going to take them for granted.

 

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#MissingTheMountains

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Photo taken by Gine Severano

Okay… If there’s one thing I am feeling right now, that’d be: I’m missing the mountains badly.

I have taken a break on hiking since the last few days of February when my friend Gine and I spent the not-so-weekend in the Mountain Province (here in the Philippines), in Maligcong, Bontoc to be specific. Since that is my recent hike, I might make a post about it.

I miss the adrenaline rush and the sense of freedom hiking gives me. The vulnerability and strength I feel as I take every step towards the summit.

I just miss the outdoors – the raw smell of grass and dung, the breeze of fair weather days as well as the humidity the scorching sun gives off at noon time, the friendly faces of people I come across with and those dull eyes from the snob ones, the sound of the swaying trees as if they are dancing with the wind and the animals that sing along, the sweat that arises from my skin as my heart pumps so fast and my lungs strives hard for oxygen, the afterglow I get from all the strenuous activity which is fun and relaxing at the same time – all these, I simply miss.

Now, I quite feel heavy as I can barely run from end-to-end. And yes, I am sick mainly because I lack sleep and get more stressed than ever.

I need a sense of release from all what’s happening though I’m feeling positive every passing day.

I need a break, I suppose, but not this kind of break – not a real sick leave. I want to go somewhere. I want to feel the Earth and set my mind straight. I want to meditate. I want to go to the mountains again.

The mountains I call home.

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