I believe there’s always an escape from everything.
If you haven’t experienced being engulfed by the abyss of loneliness and fear, then darling, don’t you even fantasize about it. It’s dark and cold in there. It’s a massive blackhole no one can ever get out.
There comes days, weeks or even months in my life where I can’t put my life together. During these days, I may be walking, talking, smiling and functioning well but deep inside of me, I’m dying. It may be cliché but that came to be true to me and, I think, to some people around the world.
Dying inside is never easy. It never will be. When you feel it, you’re like a living mannequin – everything you do is superficial. People may see you doing the chores perfectly, giving nice conversation to everyone around you, laughing at the simplest jokes, functioning like a normal human being. At least, that’s how people see you. This only means you’re doing great at concealing all the scars you’re having as you fight alone against the torment of your anxious mind, as you zealously swim against the current of torture and pain your mind creates, as you shiver in fear as the storm hits you right on the spot and you’re helpless.
Yes, that’s how it feels.
You fight the battle no one knows about and it goes on as the minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days and days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months, and God forsake it, hopefully, those months won’t turn into years.
I wonder how others survived the years of this war with themselves. Does anyone survive it at all?
It’s been so dark out there in the abyss and unbelievably cold. It seemed like light would never reach me and heat would not come unto me. I was shivering with tears in my eyes and cold sweats come rolling down my skin. I was confused, dizzy and, maybe, hallucinating. At the back of my mind, my thoughts danced with a hopeful blaze coming from nowhere.
My eyes lit up as the flame my thoughts had danced with was glowing brighter and growing stronger. My soul felt the warmth of an unexplained embrace from a being no one sees but only feels. My knees started to gain strength as I stood up and danced along with the back of my mind and the fire that kept on burning. I stood up and walked around as the cold sweat humidified. I started to hum familiar songs that lifted my soul. The confusion faded and half of my mind was set into following an unknown path which felt so warm and kind – an unknown path filled with faith. Faith – a word that vanished from me for a while and had been brought back by the fire.
As I followed the path, I began to contemplate on the possibilities. I began to imagine rainbows, sweet smiles and sunrises. I ran into the path where darkness ceased and the warmth clasped me as if never letting me go. The path, I never thought would come, showed itself in front of me. It started with the back of my mind.
I, then, escaped from the chasm of loneliness after weeks of despair. I never thought I could make it but I did. I survived the agony.
And from then on, I believed that there’s always an escape from everything. We may not know it rationally but we tend to hold on to what we don’t see but feel – and it’s called faith.
Faith is our escape from everything.